Mini Update: White Knuckling Mental Illness

Thoughts on mental illness.

I didn’t know how sick I was until I started to get better. Truth be told, I thought I was doing OK. Well, that’s not true. I thought I was faking it pretty well. No, I don’t. I think I was in survival mode for a very long time - so long that it became my new normal. That’s part of why I stayed sick for so many years.

To be clear, I’m still sick, and always will be. There’s no magic bullet or easy solution for this crap. These are chronic conditions that I have to learn to live with. Sometimes I didn't think I could. But now I have the tools to handle it. I take my medication, I go to therapy, I go to group, I Talk About My Feelings, I Think Positively And Make Affirmations (even though it still makes me roll my eyes), I Perform Opposite Action To Avoid Self-Destructive Behavior.

It sucks. It's exhausting. Sometimes it's discouraging as shit and seems utterly pointless. But it works. And frankly, it sucks far less than how I was living this time last year. Because I was drowning.

I'm swimming now, but if I ever do sink (to paraphrase Ray Bradbury), I will do so while swimming towards the shore instead of treading water until I drown.