‘I’m worried about Jakob,’ Ben said.
I didn’t look up from the TV. It had been a long, dull day and I was ready for a long, dull night of bad shows. My hands still had grease on them from working at the shop. I had a beer in one and the remote in the other. I was stretched out on the couch, my feet resting on the coffee table.
‘Why, did he do something?’ I asked, more or less indifferent.
Ben sat down next to me and nudged my feet with his.
‘Get those off the table,’ he said. I obediently lowered them, but kept my eyes on the pixelated screen.
‘I think there’s something wrong with Jakob,’ he said. I laughed.
‘Oh, definitely,’ I agreed. ‘Total pain in my ass.’ I kept watching for a moment, then glanced over. Ben was staring at me, his face solemn. I sighed, and turned my attention to him. ‘OK, I’m listening. What are we concerned about? His grades are good. His friends aren’t complete hooligans, he’s not getting in any trouble. Becks isn’t pregnant as far as I know. By some accounts I’ve done a pretty good job with him.’
‘I think Jakob should see a psychiatrist,’ said Ben. I bristled.
‘That would be a terrible idea,’ I said.
‘He’s troubled,’ said Ben. I snorted.
‘Well, yeah, our family home blew up with most of our family in it,’ I said. I’d repeated this bullshit so many times, it almost felt like the truth now. Sometimes I had to remind myself that the gas leak was the lie. It made so much more sense than reality. It was safer somehow. Cleaner. ‘But I think he’s handled it all right, all things considered.’ Ben was staring at me in open amazement.
‘Are you kidding?’ he asked. ‘You never once let him see a therapist about that. He needed someone to talk to. He still does.’ Ben paused. ‘You should have been going to one this whole time too.’ I laughed.
‘Why would I go to a therapist?’ I asked. ‘There’s nothing wrong with me.’
‘Do you really believe that?’ asked Ben.
‘I’m fine,’ I say. I’m not laughing anymore. ‘And we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about Jakob. Who by all accounts is a totally normal kid. His teachers love him, for fuck’s sake.’
‘How would you know?’ asked Ben.
‘I go to all his parent teacher conferences,’ I said. ‘I’m involved.’ I fiddled with the remote.
‘You barely see him, Frank,’ said Ben. ‘I spend more time with the kid than you do.’
‘I’m working two jobs,’ I said. It’s not like I have a ton of free time to babysit a teenager.’
‘You’re also going out,’ said Ben. I rolled my eyes.
‘Is that what you’re pissed off about?’ I asked. ‘That I’ve got a social life?’
‘Hanging out at the bar with Derek is not a social life.’ said Ben.
‘It’s not just Derek,’ I muttered peevishly.
‘Or that other one,’ said Ben. ‘The nerdy guy.’
‘I thought you liked Grady,’ I said. .
‘I do like Grady,’ said Ben. ‘And I’m not pissed off about anything. I’m concerned. Jakob’s behavior is getting real odd, Frank.’ Ben looked haggard in the flickering lights of the television. ‘He’s keeping odd hours. Ignoring the curfew. Paying a lot of attention to these murders.’
‘Of course he is,’ I said. ‘Everyone is. It’s the only thing that’s happened in Valesburgh in the past twenty years. There’s nothing else to pay attention to.’
‘It’s morbid,’ said Ben. ‘Kid shouldn’t be thinking about that stuff.’ I was annoyed.
‘Teenagers are weird,’ I said. ‘What do you want from me?’
‘And you don’t have a problem with him breaking curfew?’ asked Ben. I rolled my head to look at him and smiled.
‘Sure I do,’ I said. ‘He can’t do whatever he wants. I’ll talk to him about it. But it’s not like we don’t know where he’s going.’
‘You sure about that?’ asked Ben quietly.
‘He’s going to see his little girlfriend,’ I said. ‘It’s fine. She’s harmless. She’s just down Kerner Drive - you can practically see it from here. It’s not like he’s heading out to the city to cop drugs.’ I winced as the last words left my mouth, but Ben didn’t mention it.
‘So you don’t see a problem with his behavior?’ asked Ben. I shrugged.
‘No, I don’t,’ I said. ‘He’s getting good grades and staying out of my hair. His teachers all think he’s the best thing since sliced bread. Jakob is the one thing I don’t have to worry about, and I like that.’
‘Jakob is all you should be worried about,’ said Ben sharply.
‘I’m doing my best,’ I lied. He laughed coldly.
‘Don’t insult my intelligence,’ said Ben. ‘Not in my own home.’ I put my head in my hands for a moment and realigned my thoughts.
‘Ben, I’m not sending Jakob to a shrink just because you think a teenager is acting oddly,’ I said. ‘That’s what being a teenager is. I’ll talk to him about breaking curfew, all right? I’ll even ground him for a few days.’ I had never grounded Jakob before. There had been no need for it. Aside from a smart mouth that often resulted in us screaming at each other, Jakob struck me as a pretty blameless kid. Ben rubbed his face with a beefy hand.
‘Frank, you need to take this seriously,’ he said. ‘Jakob is wandering the halls at night. Or just standing around in the middle of a room, looking at nothing. He’s sneaking in at dawn. He watches the news reports like it’s his job. You don’t think that’s concerning?’
‘I think you’re the one being weird, Ben,’ I said. ‘Did something happen? What brought this on? And I don’t like how you’re framing this. Or what you’re implying.’
‘What, that a kid might have a morbid fascination with death after his own trauma?’ he asked. I stared at him. Ben shrugged. ‘I did some Googling on the topic.’
‘He can’t go to therapy, so drop it,’ I said. ‘There’s no reason to suspect anything is going on with him. I appreciate the concern, but I think maybe you’ve been watching too many true crime shows.’
‘Why can’t he go to therapy, Frank?’ asked Ben in a strange voice.
‘What?’ I said.
‘Why can’t Jakob go to therapy?’ repeated Ben. ‘You said he ‘can’t’ go.’ He leaned towards me, his face crinkling in concern. ‘Help me understand what’s happening here.’
What did he want me to say? Because. Because because because. Because of what happened that night. Because of what Agent told me. Because they’ll think he’s crazy and take him away from me if he tells the truth. Because of our parents. Because of our brothers. Because of me. Because it’s over and done and let’s leave it alone, okay Ben? Because Jakob got over it. He’s going to have a life of his own. I can be the one to suffer, I can deal with the nightmares and visions and terror, I can handle that. Let him go. I can take it. Let him forget, let him forget, forget the house, forget our brothers, forget me. Let Jakob shed this shitty family and escape in the way I tried to but never quite could.
Because something good had to come out of all of this, and that was Jakob.
‘You wouldn’t understand,’ I said.
‘I don’t think it’s safe for Jakob to be here anymore,’ said Ben. I laughed, shocked.
‘What are you talking about?’ I asked. ‘Are you kicking him out? The teenager you’re concerned about?’
‘I don’t think this is a safe place for him, or us with him here,’ Ben continued doggedly. ‘I think he needs to be under observation.’ I was stunned. The conversation had veered into unknown territory and I felt at sea. Ben had never spoken to me like this before.
‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ I asked. My voice sounded strange, hollow. Ben looked me dead in the eyes.
‘There is something very wrong with Jakob,’ he said.
‘What, for breaking curfew and having bad dreams?’ I asked. ‘I said I’d talk to him. What more do you want from me?’
‘I think it’s too late for that,’ said Ben. I stood up abruptly.
‘Fine, I said. ‘If you feel that way, we won’t bother you anymore. We’ll go.’ Ben stood up as well, towering over me with his bulk.
‘Frank, you’re being stupid,’ he said. ‘I didn’t say you had to leave. You’re jumping to conclusions.’
‘I can’t believe this is happening,’ I said to the room in general. ‘You don’t feel safe around Jakob anymore? Jake. The kid who cries at the end of ‘The Iron Giant’ makes you feel unsafe. That’s… I don’t even know what to say.’
‘I’m not trying to kick you out,’ said Ben. ‘You don’t have to do this.’
‘Do what?’ I asked. My hands were balled into fists. My chest felt hot. ‘Protect my brother? If you have a problem with him, you have a problem with me. Do we have a problem?’
‘You need to accept that something is happening with your brother,’ begged Ben. ‘That maybe-’
‘Choose your next words very carefully,’ I hissed through clenched teeth. I felt violent in a way that frightened me, a visceral need to hit Ben, to strike him across his big fucking head, anything to make him understand.
‘I’m trying to help, Frank,’ said Ben. ‘I’m trying to help both of you.’
‘We don’t need your help,’ I said. ‘Or your hospitality.’ I spread out my hands and gave a big, phony smile ‘Thanks for everything, but we’ll be leaving as soon as possible.’
Jakob walked into the house, backpack swinging from his shoulders. He paused in the doorway, holding the screen door open. Ben and I were standing in the living room, red-faced tense. Jakob took a step back out of the house uncertainly.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked.
‘Pack your stuff,’ I snapped. ‘We’re leaving.’ Jakob blanched.
‘Wait, what?’ he asked. Ben started to speak. I cut him off and addressed Jakob.
‘Don’t ask questions,’ I said. ‘Just start packing. I need to make a phone call.’
I grabbed my phone and stormed out. Ben called after me. I didn’t stop, and I didn’t look back.
‘Do you think Jakob did it?’ I ask Grady later that night in bed. My back is to him. I’m not even trying to sleep. Maybe when Grady finally dozes off I’ll go for a walk. Go hang out with Ish, no doubt eating her way through the mountain of snacks we’d gotten for her at the truck stop. Hit the bar and get drunk enough to pass out for a few hours. See if I can find some trucker to sell me some crappy coke and rush through the next few days in a self-medicated blur. ‘Do you think he killed Ben?’
‘That’s a complicated question.’ says Grady. He traces his fingertips up and down my arm. It’s familiar, almost soothing enough to lull me to sleep.
‘Seems simple to me,’ I say. ‘Yes or no. He did or he didn’t.’
‘They said the MOs matched,’ says Grady in a quiet voice. ‘One thing is for certain. Whoever did do that to Ben is a monster. Human or otherwise.’
‘Both, actually,’ I say. Grady’s hand stops moving.
‘What if Jakob did do it?’ he asks. ‘What if he’s the one who did all this? What then?’
‘He didn’t,’ I say.
There’s a short silence. Grady resumes stroking my arm. I can feel the edge of his nails trace the inside of my elbow.
‘Do you want to talk about Ben?’ he asks.
‘No.’ I say. His arm slips around my waist. I lace our fingers together. Blink into the darkness. It’s OK when Grady is there. It’s fine. We’re safe. I’m safe. I can fix this.
‘It was because of me,’ I say after a while. ‘He’s dead because of me.’
‘You didn’t do anything wrong,’ says Grady. His voice is thicker, his words slower, and in that moment I adore him for every night he’s tried to stay up with me, tried to fight the monsters in my place and let me rest. Every moment of sleep he’s sacrificed for me, and I can’t give him back even one. ‘You couldn’t have known.’
‘Maybe I should have,’ I say. Should. Should. Should. Fucking should.
‘How?’ asks Grady. He shifts, getting comfortable, and rubs his hairy leg against me. ‘How could you have known?’
‘Did you hear something?’ I ask, sitting up. There’s a knife in my bag but it’s across the room. No movement but that doesn’t mean anything.
Grady groans and flops onto his back.
‘No,’ he says. ‘Please don’t do this to yourself. If you can’t sleep, the least you can do is lie here and get some sort of rest.’
‘I’m going to go sit with Ish,’ I say. ‘We can bond.’ I climb out of bed. ‘Maybe she’ll cheer me up.’ From the bed I can hear Grady snort of amusement.
Ish is sitting in the bathtub, working her way through a pile of beef jerky. Somehow she looks at home in the grimy tub. Tracing her fingers along the stained formerly white grout. Like a corpse ready for her big final scene.
‘Why are you always so hungry?’ I ask by way of greeting. I close the toilet lid and sit on top of the tank. There’s a picture of a smiling clown on the wall. I hate it more than I have ever hated anything in my entire life.
‘My kind always are,’ says Ish. ‘This body does not define me. It’s merely housing something you can’t understand.’ I almost smile.
‘That’s true here, too,’ I say. ‘Bodies don’t define shit.’ Ish chews thoughtfully. Eyes flicking up and down over me like she’s debating sampling me next.
‘Your brother,’ she says. ‘Tell me about him.’ I lean back. I didn’t expect that.
‘Why?’ I ask. Ish licks salt from her lips.
‘He’s who we’re hunting, is he not?’ she asks. ‘It’s important to know what you’re tracking. What you expect to see at the end of the hunt.’
‘We’re not hunting him,’ I say. ‘We’re trying to find him.’ Ish clicks her tongue in disappointment.
‘Tell me anyway,’ she says. I shrug and rest my head against the wall.
Jakob Jakob Jakob. Describe your brother. Describe your family. Like they made us do back in school, write a story about your family. How many brothers do you have? How many sisters? What do your parents do for work?
My name is Frank and I have six brothers and a mom and a dad. I take care of all my brothers. Dennis George Tobias Tim Aaron. My mom drinks and my dad hits me. We do not have any pets.
No. Start over. Find another story.
My name is Frank. I have one brother. I don’t have a mom or a dad. I can’t take care of anyone. My brother is either a psychotic serial killer or possessed by a monster from another dimension. We do not have any pets.
Ish’s question is more complicated than she thinks.
‘He’s smart,’ I say. ‘He’s tough. He’s charming. He’s a royal pain in the ass. Does that help?’ Ish hums. She stretches her long legs out across the length of the tub. The skin hangs loosely. At least she hasn’t started to smell. I’ve brought some airspray just in case.
‘No,’ says Ish. ‘Not particularly.’ She cocks her head to one side. ‘Do you care for him?’
‘Of course I do,’ I say. ‘Why else would I be here?’ She waits, like she expects me to keep talking. When I don’t, she sighs like I’ve disappointed her.
‘It’s not personal to them, you know,’ she says.
‘Who?’ I ask.
‘The monsters, as you call them,’ says Ish. She opens a bag of candy and begins tossing tiny rainbow colored nuggets into her mouth. Multicolored stains on her greying tongue. She crunches on them with gusto.
‘The ones you are hunting,’ says Ish. ‘The ones you think have your brother. The endless ones. They are tireless and they are cruel, and they have no pity and no remorse, but they do not differentiate. You are not special. Your brother, if they have chosen him somehow, is not special. Neither of you are.’ I think about it for a minute, then huff out a laugh.
‘You know what?’ I say. ‘That actually makes me feel a little better. Thanks.’
‘Grady could break the summoning,’ says Ish out of nowhere. ‘He could release me. Send me home.’
‘We can’t do that until we find Jakob,’ I say. ‘We need you. You know how these things think. Without you we’d be sitting on our thumbs.’ I don’t feel good about holding her hostage. About forcing her to go with us, trapped in a strange body in a strange world. Forced to live off junk food. I’m not proud of it.
But it’s Jakob. I swallow down the feelings and keep them to myself. They’re not important. I know what is.
‘I am not one of the monsters you hunt,’ says Ish. ‘I’m something else. I curry no favor with them. They are mindless, eternal beings. I could no more influence them than a gnat could knock over a human.’ I shrug and rub my eyes. I’m so tired. The yellow lights hurt my eyes.
‘You know more about them than we do,’ I say. ‘The Agency isn’t being very helpful. We’re kind of fighting blind.’
‘And when you find your brother, you will return me to my home?’ asks Ish. ‘That was our agreement.’
‘That’s between you and Grady,’ I say. Dodging the question. Coward. Keep your hands clean, right, Frank? Ish peers closely at my face. Leans over the tub to study me up close. I feel like a bug with seven legs. ‘What?’ I ask.
‘You wear death like armor,’ says Ish. I think she means it as a compliment. ‘No wonder you hunt well.’
‘I’m not hunting anything,’ I repeat. ‘I’m looking for my brother.’
‘No,’ says Ish, all confidence and bad omens. ‘There is death at the end. With predators, there always is.’
‘I’m not a predator,’ I say. The bathroom feels too bright and too cold and I want nothing more than to burrow into Grady’s arm and wake up as another person. ‘I’m not. And neither is Jakob.’ Ish looks at me like I’m a fucking more.
‘From one to another,’ she says, ‘I assure you that you are.’
I don’t get any sleep that night. I leave Ish and the bathroom but don’t go back to bed. Stand in the doorway watching Grady sleep like a fucking lunatic for longer than I’ll care to admit. Not thinking anything. Just watching as Grady snores and shifts and he’s so fucking sure that he’s safe. That nothing can harm him in this dark room in this dark hotel.
I can hear the ocean and smell the tang of salt and I know neither of us are safe. The tendrils of darkness are still around us. There’s movement in the corners of the room that I can’t explain. There are so many ways to end a human life.
I go and sit in the car until the sun comes up. I try not to think about what Ish said. About hunters. Monsters. Predators. I try not to think about the roaring in my ears or the smell of blood in Grady’s car that has no source. I stare straight ahead with my hands gripping the wheel. If I turn around there will be something behind me, something hideous and hungry and waiting.
Fucking demons.
I’m not in the mood to see Derek. The diner from my younger days is just a memory, replaced by a second-rate chain restaurant. Dead and gone. Done and dusted. Another mom and pop shop destroyed by capitalism. Or whatever.
There’s no indication the diner had ever been there at all. The interior setup is the same, but the decor, design, and menu are totally different. It’s disorienting. Like coming home after a weekend away to find that strangers had redecorated your whole house. We sit in the same booth that I’d shared with Ben a million lifetimes ago. It’s a different place in the same location.
Grady has spent the morning alternating between being overly solicitous about Ben and trying gamely to seem enthusiastic about seeing Derek. It’s starting to get on my nerves.
‘Can you stop sulking?’ Grady asks Ish. She has her arms folded and her face turned so she is looking at the padding in our booth instead of at me or Grady. She’s like an overgrown child with leprosy.
‘You’re being cruel,’ she says.
‘I’m not being cruel,’ Grady says. ‘We can’t afford to buy everything on the menu. You can get one meal, like a normal human.’
‘She’s not human, Grade,’ I say, just to be shitty. Grady rolls his eyes.
‘Don’t take her side. That’s completely not the point.’
‘I’m hungry,’ whines Ish.
‘And we’re going to feed you,’ says Grady in a patient tone of voice.
‘Barely,’ huffs Ish.
‘And behave when Derek shows up,’ I add. ‘Don’t start talking about oceans of blood or the howling void or anything.’
‘Which ocean of blood?’ asks Ish. I don’t think she’s kidding. Grady nudges me, indicating with his chin towards the door.
Every time I see Derek, it’s the same. It feels safe and familiar. Like a cozy blanket and hot chocolate when it’s raining outside. He’s the most consistent figure in my life. Which is sad if I think about it for too long.
Derek’s aged but is somehow unchanged, blonde hair still shaggy, jaw angular and teeth blinding against his tan. He looks younger than he is - the same age as me - his face unmarked except for laugh lines around his blue eyes. He has the look of a gracefully aging surfer.
I feel as old and endless as the monsters out there wandering the night as I grip Derek in a tight embrace. Holding him is a relief - I’ve had this for over twenty years. He’s one of the few things I’ve been able to hold onto. Every time he hugs me back, I feel closer to being a real person. Derek holds me tightly. When he pulls back his handsome face is dark with grief.
‘You heard, huh?’ I ask. He sniffs out a wet laugh. His eyes are damp.
‘Typical,’ he says with a wry grin. ‘You disappear for years, then you come back and know everything that’s going on before I do.’ He smiles at Grady, no guile or subterfuge. ‘Good to see you, man. It’s been a while.’
‘You too,’ says Grady with an impressive amount of civility. The two shake hands. Derek looks at Ish and raises his eyebrows.
‘This is Ishmael,’ I say. ‘She’s a friend.’ Grady raises his eyebrows at that.
‘Call me Ish,’ she says. Hesitantly, she shakes Derek’s hand. He takes it like he’s worried it will fall off.
‘Nice to meet you.’ He slides into the booth next to me. ‘You’ve got some shit timing, Frank. Did you get to see Ben before…’ He makes a motion with his hand, like Ben has just wandered off somewhere.
‘No,’ I say. Grady puts his arm around me. Derek smiles, amused as always by Grady’s jealousy. I ignore it. I don’t think Grady ever quite recovered his footing with Derek after their first meeting. Never could get past the idea that I’d been dating Derek, even if he knew it wasn’t true.
At the end of the day, Derek knows more about me than Grady, and Grady hates it. Grady knows me better, knows me in and out, would know me in a thousand lifetimes across a thousand worlds. But Derek has facts that Grady doesn’t. I don’t even know what they are, what comment will shut him down and make him look remote and cold.
I don’t mean to keep secrets. It’s just safer that way.
Besides, it’s not like Derek has the whole story either.
‘I’ve known that old coot longer than I’ve known you,’ he says. He signals the waiter for a menu. The waiter is wearing a dark green apron and a tiny green top hat with a flower. ‘‘Weird to think he’s just gone now. I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.’
‘It will,’ I lie. It won’t. At least not for me. It’s not the same sort of goodbye without a body to grieve over. There were no bodies at my family’s funeral. There hadn’t been enough left of them. It was like they’d packed up for vacation and forgotten to bring me and Jakob along for the ride. Like ‘Home Alone.’
‘I’m sorry about what’s going on with Jakob,’ says Derek. I wince. I expect better from him.
‘Please, don’t,’ I say. Derek pats my hand like I’m his doddering grandmother.
‘I’m trying to be supportive,’ he explains. ‘It’s what people do. You’ll learn one day.’
‘We’re trying to prove he didn’t do it,’ cuts in Grady. Derek looks between the two of us.
‘The news says it’s open and shut,’ he says.
‘Innocent until proven guilty,’ I say.
‘First they have to find him,’ adds Grady.
‘And you two are going to find him before the cops? Dude.’
‘We’re working on it,’ says Grady.
‘And you think I can help with that?’ Derek laughs. ‘How?’’ I pick up some creamers and begin stacking them into a tower.
‘Maybe you saw something, or remember something,’ I say. ‘You might not even know it, but something could be useful.’
‘Sounds like you’re grasping at straws,’ Derek says, not unkindly.
‘It sure does, doesn’t it,’ agrees Grady.
‘Stop,’ I warn.
‘Frankie, I’m not sure this is a great idea,’ says Derek. I open one of the creamers and drink it like a shot. Derek looks disgusted. ‘I hate when you do that.’
‘They say he killed those teens back when he was in high school,’ I say. I do another creamer shot. ‘They’re saying he’s doing awful things to people out there. Jakob.’ I lean forward. ‘The kid’s never been violent. He wouldn’t dissect a frog in biology!’
‘Yeah, Frankie,’ says Derek. ‘I know. I remember that.’ Grady’s face shuts down. Like this is some big fucking secret me and Derek have been keeping from him. I ignore Grady and focus on Derek for the moment.
‘You knew Jakob,’ I insist. ‘You saw him around all the time.’ Derek shrugs.
‘Yeah, I knew the kid pretty well,’ he says. ‘As much as you can know your friend’s younger siblings. We weren’t, like, hanging out or anything.’
‘You knew him,’ I say again. ‘Then you can’t possibly believe he would do those things,’ Derek looks down at the formica table. Tears at the edge of a paper napkin.
‘Yeah Frankie, I do.’ The silence at the table is broken only by our worn out waiter morosely taking our order. He’s so annoyed with us that I almost apologize for bothering him.
‘You don’t mean that,’ I say after he’s gone. Derek looks chagrined. Rubs the back of his neck. Won’t look at me.
‘Sorry, Frankie,’ he says. ‘I really am. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But that kid always made me nervous.’
‘You never mentioned that,’ I say. ‘Not once. You couldn’t have said something if you thought he was crazy? If you thought he was dangerous?’ I am regretting this entire, stupid venture. I’ve learned virtually nothing of value. Ben is dead. Grady is pissed off. We have a permanently hungry demon.
I want to go home and check on my plants. I want to hide under the covers with Grady and never, ever come out. I want to wake up in bed with him and learn that this is all some fucked up dream, some false memory, some nightmare.
Wake me up.
‘What did you want me to say?’ asks Derek, exasperated. Grady nods in sympathy. ‘Your traumatized teenage brother stresses me out? It sounds stupid even now.’ He huffs out a joyless laugh. ‘I feel really bad about it, especially after what happened to the rest of your family, but when I saw the news I wasn’t surprised.’
‘I knew him better than anyone, and I am telling you he did not do this,’ I say in a slow and clear voice.
‘Did you?’ Derek asks quietly.I can’t stop staring at him. I feel like the whole world has tipped to one side, and I’m scrambling to hold on. It’s like I’d been reading the same book for years and it turned out the story was written in an entirely different language.
‘Fuck you,’ I say. I am furious. Derek has been there since the beginning, since Ben. We’ve been friends longer than not. We’ve schemed and partied and fucked and fought. I feel like an idiot.
‘I’m not trying to be an asshole, Frankie,’ he says. He puts down his fork. ‘You two had a complicated relationship, admit it.’
‘Lots of people have complicated relationships with their siblings!’ I say. That doesn’t make them killers.’ I stab at my meatloaf with more violence than strictly necessary. ‘I can’t believe you think this about him. Any other deep dark secrets I need to know about that you neglected to mention?’ Grady and Derek exchange glances. ‘What?’ I ask.
‘I know you want to help Jakob,’ says Derek. ‘I get that. I’d do the same for my sister. Family is hard. If I can help you in any way, I will. But I’m doing it for you - not because I think he’s innocent. Because I don’t, Frankie. And I’m not going to bullshit you about it.’ He looks down at my creamer tower. ‘I hope I’m wrong. I really do. You don’t deserve this to be happening to you.’
‘Nothing happened to me,’ I say. ‘I’m incident adjacent.’
‘We just don’t want to see you get hurt here,’ says Grady. I laugh.
‘The best case scenario is that a monster from another dimension is possessing my brother and making him kill people,’ I say.’ ‘That’s the good one. That’s what we’re hoping for.’
Grady gasps, tries to pass it off as a cough. I realize what I’ve said, and start cursing myself. Stupid stupid stupid. What the fuck. I look at Derek and laugh uncomfortably. He’s frowning, his forehead creased in confusion.
‘You have to have a sense of humor, right?’ I kick Grady under the table and he begins a forced chuckle. ‘It was a joke.’
‘Very funny,’ Grady says. ‘Ha.’
‘What,’ says Derek. ‘The fuck.’
‘Obviously she’s kidding,’ says Grady. Derek doesn’t look amused, or confused, or even frightened. He looks suddenly, irrationally angry.
‘Are you using again?’ he asks. I flinch.
‘No,’ I say. Put all my feelings into two letters. Derek doesn’t look convinced.
‘Because what you just said was really fucking weird,’ he says. ‘And you would say fucked up shit when you were using.’ I regret all my life decisions that led me to this moment.
‘It was a bad joke,’ I say. ‘Stop jumping to conclusions.’
‘You didn’t sound like you were joking,’ says Derek. ‘So color me officially concerned.’ He turns to Grady, and his face tightens in anger. ‘I really thought more of you, man. You’re supposed to watch out for this.’
‘Frank’s not using again,’ says Grady firmly. He and Derek are glaring daggers at each other.
‘Making a bad joke doesn’t automatically imply drug use,’ I point out.
‘Then what’s going on here?’ asks Derek. ‘You’re both acting cagey as hell, I don’t know what her deal is,’ he indicates Ish. ‘And now you’re going on about monsters and different dimensions. Is it some code for something? ‘Monster’ sounds like slang for drugs.’
‘Monster is an energy drink,’ I hiss. ‘Please calm down. I’m definitely in enough trouble as it is.’ I wonder if Agent already knows we’re talking about this somehow, if he’s bugged me, or even bugged the diner. I wouldn’t put it past him. If Jakob wasn’t already in deep shit, I’d be terrified of what would happen to him. For now, I only have to worry about repercussions for the three of us.
‘Frank,’ says Grady.
‘Jesus Christ, you are using.’ Derek leans back in his seat. ‘Is this because of what’s going on with Jakob?’
‘I’m not using.’ I feel like I’m banging my head bloody against a brick wall. I don’t know how to get this to register. Derek shakes his head.
Ben would be so disappointed.’ I narrow my eyes at him.
‘Be careful,’ says Grady sharply. Derek flashes him a nasty grin,
‘You know what Grady-’
‘Can you two stop?’ I ask. Derek points at Ish.
‘Is this your dealer? It would explain a lot, no offense.’ Ish, lost in her breakfast, only shrugs.
‘I don’t deal anything,’ she says.
‘She’s not my dealer,’ I say.
‘Then what is going on here, Frank?’ Derek asks. ‘You roll into town, Ben dies, and now you’re babbling about monsters and possession? What’s next, demons and aliens?’
‘I’m a demon,’ says Ish without looking up from her food. Grady puts his head in his hands. Derek laughs, but there’s no humor in it. He sounds furious. I drink my coffee and wish desperately that I was lying about the drugs.
‘She’s kidding,’ I say. ‘Ish has a very weird sense of humor. That’s why we get along so well.’ I glare at Ish, who doesn’t notice. ‘Although her timing kind of sucks.’
‘Am I the only person here not on drugs?’ Derek says loudly. People from other tables are glancing over. I hunch down in my seat.
‘Derek, you need to calm down,’ says Grady. Derek ignores him. He reaches across the table and takes my hand in his.
‘Could you just be honest with me?’ he asks. A small smile quirks the corners of his mouth. ‘I know it’s hard for you, but-’
‘That’s not fair,’ I say. Derek squeezes my hand.
‘Frankie, come on,’ he says. ‘Don’t bullshit me.’ I look helplessly at Grady. He shrugs. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with this shit.
‘I wasn’t kidding,’ I say to Derek. ‘That’s what’s really happening. Monsters and demons. All of that.’
‘Jesus fucking Christ,’ says Grady to himself. I ignore him.
‘You’ve lost your mind,’ Derek announces. Ish looks up from her food. She’s got gravy smeared around her mouth.
‘You are distracting me from my meal,’ she says, as if this is a war crime.
‘You’re claiming to be a demon,’ says Derek. Ish looks offended.
‘Here,’ she says. We all look over.
Ish picks up a metal steak knife. Looking around the diner, she quickly and professionally slices off her own pinkie. Ish holds it up to show it to Derek, who has gone white as a sheet. Not a drop of blood falls from the pale, bony finger. With another look around to make sure no one is watching, she reattaches the finger with a quick twist of her wrist and resumes eating her pot roast as if nothing has happened.
Derek makes a high whistling noise, reminiscent of a tea kettle. Grady watches Ish in astonishment. I put my head down on the table.
‘I am in so much trouble,’ I say to no one in particular.